When the world is burning, a welcome escape is often scandalous reality TV. If this is your escape of choice, then you’ve likely watched TLC’s 90 Day Fiancé at some point. A spinoff of the show, 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After? “Tell All: No Limits” recently premiered and fans have been locked in. However, an interaction between two of the OG cast members, Angela Deem, and her husband, Michael Ilesanmi, has viewers waving red flags.
During Part 2 of the Tell All, the cast members and their partners, some estranged, are in a New Jersey mansion together discussing the events that took place during the season. Ilesanmi and Deem got into it over her claims that he wasn’t giving her any attention, and viewers were appalled because Deem took the argument all the way to hell.
During the episode, the 58-year old was enraged and attacked her husband verbally. Some of her unhinged behavior included screaming at Ilesanmi using profane language (i.e., calling him the B-word), charging up the stairs towards him to further belittle him, and getting in his face to tell him to leave the house. The tension in the mansion was palpable as other cast mates observed the drama with confusion and bewilderment. One even said, “Run, Michael!”
This vitriol on Deem’s part isn’t new, as she has always been abusive towards Michael. We see verbal tirades, we’ve also seen her damage his car, but who knows what happens off-camera? What’s strange, though, is why the abuse isn’t called out and stopped by producers. Why are there no repercussions? The obvious answer seems to be that they see it as “good TV” because it keeps audiences engaged, and that’s great for ratings. But I wonder if the abuse is overlooked because Michael is a man, and abuse towards men isn’t taken as seriously.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, one in 10 men in the U.S. have experienced rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner, so it isn’t just a woman problem. Also, while it’s assumed that men can’t be abused because they’re scientifically physically stronger, that is simply untrue. It also doesn’t absolve the impact of mental and emotional abuse, which all genders can be victims of.
This blatant display of abuse on 90 Day Fiancé sparks a wider conversation about the abuse displayed on reality TV. At what point do we draw the line, and when does this grotesque behavior become unethical?
These days, it’s almost laughable to put ethics and reality TV in the same sentence because, over the years, we’ve seen boundaries become non-existent. We have seen physical fights in almost every Real Housewives franchise and watched women get ostracized and bullied. However, abusive behavior between romantic parties is uncomfortable to observe. There have been slaps, drinks thrown and all kinds of outbursts between couples that the world didn’t need to see.
If you watch Married At First Sight, you’ve likely seen multiple emotionally abusive cast members in action over the years. I couldn’t stomach it anymore, so I had to stop watching the show. While producers claim they screen cast members and have a pastor and therapist on deck to support couples, it doesn’t translate on screen.
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It’s worrisome that the producers of these shows don’t care how triggering it is for abuse victims to watch these scenes play out. While they seem more concerned about their bottom lines, their negligence has impacted that in recent years. In 2023, reality TV stars rallied together to call out mega networks like NBC, E!, and Bravo for manipulative tactics, covering up cases of sexual violence and prohibiting cast members from breaking contracts to leave shows. Based on these accusations, we may assume that the abuse extends beyond the cast members and starts internally with shady contracts, unscrupulous work conditions, and neglect.
Other examples of lawsuits that ensued because of abusive behavior networks allowed include Big Brother contestant Krista Segall suing CBS in 2022 for allowing Justin Sebik on the show. He had a history of assault prior to the show. While she was intoxicated, he held a knife to her throat and talked about killing her, and she, of course, needed counseling afterward. Likewise, Season 5 Love is Blind contestant Tran Dang sued Kinetic Content and Delirium TV for sexual assault and negligence in 2023. Dang accused the network of possessing recorded content of Thomas Smith assaulting her.
Some people may argue that it’s the fault of the cast members for going on the show or continuing to allow themselves to be exploited. That sounds a lot like victim shaming to me and doesn’t absolve producers and networks from the responsibility they have to keep their talent safe and treat them like people versus commodities. We should also keep in mind that some reality TV stars are bound to contractual agreements that can be difficult to get out of.
That said, one of the negative effects of capitalism is the erosion of ethics, especially within large corporations. That means it’s often left to the uproar of viewers expressed through disgruntled social media posts, think pieces like this one, and social pressure to create change. Hitting networks where it hurts—their ratings–by refusing to watch and engage is also a way to stand in solidarity with abuse victims and hold networks accountable.
I’m all for a little ratchet TV drama, but I don’t want to watch people enduring things they’ll have to heal from in years to come for entertainment purposes. TV can be entertaining without the abusive storylines.
